Last Friday I needed to go to the mall. I had a gift certificate that was expiring and gap was having a sale I was going to check out.
I love shopping. I love trying on something brand new and the feeling a perfect fit gives you. In my real life, in ministry, I deal with the deep problems of humanity and it can take years to see results of my efforts, if I ever get to see them. There is something immediately gratifying about piecing together a beautiful outfit or finding the right accessory to put an outfit over the top. I've been told I have the ability to perfectly accessorize any outfit. Not exactly something to put on your resume but it sure can make you feel good to know your fashionable....at least as far as ministers in central North Carolina go. Obviously, I am all about "fabulousness." :)
I also love the possibility of a new outfit. This may seem crazy to you, but I like to think about where I will go, who will see me, etc. in this outfit. Being single, I think, will this be the outfit that some guy falls in love with me in?
I have also realized that just like with my compulsive eating, there is a void I am trying to fill when I shop. A little pick me up. We often harmlessly term it as "retail therapy" but as it says in the book "Women, Food and God," what are we really wanting? Why not just go right to the problem. What do I want that little bauble or trinket to do for me? Why do I feel like I need the perfect outfit to get the attention of someone of the opposite sex or to get that job?
So, Friday I was at the mall for legitimate reasons but, because I was feeling a little "blah," I tried to find something else to buy. Something beautiful and fashionable to get lost in for a few minutes. The trouble was I could not find anything. I found plenty of things I could spend money on but there has been this shift inside of me. It is a realization that nothing I buy or eat, etc is going to make me happy. Nothing externally is going to solve problems or make me feel better about myself.
As I got in my car, I was still feeling a little "blah" but I knew it would pass. In the core of who I am, I knew that was enough...and that is pretty "fabulous."