Loneliness of Leadership

It's been an interesting few weeks in the media. We've watched towns literally destroyed by tornadoes. We've watched a fairytale wedding where the "commoner" became the "princess." We've watched breaking news unfold as Osama Bin Laden was killed. In the wake of Osama's death, the political volatility of our nation has everyone becoming a critic. As I watch the commentary, I am reminded of one basic truth. Leadership equals loneliness.

Ruth Haley Barton writes in her book, "Strengthening the Soul of your Leadership" that "Any leader who cannot endure profound levels of loneliness will not last long." This is a universal truth whether you are leading in the political world, military, ministry, education, or even amongst family and friends. I believe it can be very surprising to young leaders just how lonely it gets. Even for seasoned leaders there are times where we make decisions, share a vision, handle a conflict, etc that lead us to a new place loneliness, critique, and isolation.

I see young adults entering ministry because church is where they were always accepted. I think the same is probably true of those wanting to pursue leadership in other areas, like politics or business, because when they were in leadership as a young person they were always encouraged, that was the way to popularity and the way to know you had arrived. Funny how that all changes in adulthood. Suddenly being in leadership means that you have to be willing to be the one is not accepted but who is critiqued. You have to realize that leadership will not make you popular, or prove your competence. In fact, there will people with whom you will always be unpopular and will always seem incompetent.

So, why would anyone want to step up into leadership in adulthood? I cannot speak for all of you but for me it is because I know that I was gifted and called for leadership. I feel it is a waste of my gifts for me not to be in leadership. The people pleasing side of me has died to the part of me that wants the best for others, whether they like me or not. I seek to make the world a better place. I have to own my own commitment to leadership even in the loneliest of times. That is what makes me a good leader. Leading not to please, pushing through the loneliness, and using my gifts for what I know is right.

Going with the Flow

A few months ago, in an effort to branch out and make new friends (which is a lot harder in adulthood than is fair), I joined a local hiking and outdoor group. I've been to a few classes they've led and a local hike and enjoyed the people. Over a month ago I decided to sign up for a river kayaking trip that took place last Sunday. I own a kayak but have only taken it out on lakes. I'd never done kayaking on a river, especially one with a few rapids. If you know anything about rapids, these were only class 2 rapids that were intensified a little by the extreme rain the previous day's storms had brought to the area.

About ten feet from where we got into the river, we hit our first little area of rapids. They'd educated us before to say that when going through the rapids you need to keep paddling. Otherwise the flow of water would turn your boat around backwards, which is very disconcerting. I know because my boat did this in the first rapids. I wasn't expecting the rapids to come so quickly and so I just stopped paddling and was going to ride it through and suddenly found myself facing everyone still on the shore behind me. I was embarrassed and was determined not to lose control of my boat again. I was in control! I knew what I was doing! The first hour of our trip down the river, I would enter each rapid paddling fiercely. I was in control! I was also getting exhausting and I realized that the harder that I fought, the more the water was taking me where it wanted. I had to develop a balance of paddling to stay facing forward in my boat and learning to go with the flow of the water. When I worked with the water it was much easier than trying to fight it.

My life has felt a little like it's been going through rapids lately. I've been approaching much of the rapids by being determined to stay in control. If I just work hard enough, plan hard enough, I can stay in control. Life is a lot like rapids though, the harder we fight, the more exhausted we become. We have to find the perfect blend of going with the flow and working to keep ourselves moving in the right direction. It's difficult, but really...life is difficult sometimes. Nothing we do can change that. We just have to learn how to best go with the flow.

All We Need Is Love

Last Friday, I found myself with a small amount of time. It was too long before my aerobics class to just go and sit at the gym, and long enough to run to a nearby post office to send off some packages to my niece and nephew for Valentine's Day. The place was busy, I was not the only one waiting until the last minute. This was not my usual post office and I was surprised by how kind everyone was. In fact, I actually had the thought, "This has got to be the friendliest post office anywhere." As I was getting my mailings prepared, I heard three different men help three different older women with doors, packages or with some piece of equipment. Everyone was speaking friendly to each other. There was a palpable positive vibe in the place as people laughed and kindly greeted one another.

That was until 4:27 rolled around. A worker decided to lock the doors to the counter service portion of the post office in preparation for that part of the post office to be closed at 4:30. People running inside the post office to get in line in the last minutes of the business day were incredibly frustrated and some angered to find the doors already closed. The man who had locked in the doors stood on just the other side and refused to let anyone else in. One customer even stood and argued with the man, yelling at him through the glass, but he refused to open the doors for him. There was no apologies, no regret. The doors were closed and that was it. People began walking around the outside lobby area, seemingly frustrated with everyone. They were trying to figure out the automated services and angered by anyone who was ahead of them in line. As all of the fussing and complaining echoed around the lobby, the tension level rose. At this time, I was already mailing my packages through the automated service so I was not particularly shaken by the change of events. That was until I got into my car and tried to leave the parking lot. The same people who had just minutes before been so happy to help each other now were in a fight for their lives to get out of the parking lot as soon as possible. It literally took me ten minutes to get out of the parking lot! Most of that time was spent trying to back out of my parking space!

It is amazing what a difference a little common courtesy, kindness and grace can make in the world. It's like that old commercial where one kind deed breeds another. May we be the kind of leaders who realize that keeping order and following protocol is not always the most important thing. May we be the kind of people who, in a world of doors closing early, continue to open doors, help others and be gracious in parking lots. A little kindness and grace go along way.

Plastic Forks and Duct Tape

Yesterday morning I was out running errands and needed to pick up lunch to eat at the office. Being gluten intolerant, I can't just go anywhere so I decided to place a take out order for PF Chang's, which has a wonderful gluten free menu. As the waitress was putting my lemon chicken coated in sauce in a bag, I mentioned that I needed utensils. She smile apologetically and giggled saying, "Sorry, we ran out of our disposal utensils. So, we don't have any." I just stood there and said something like, "I guess I will just have to figure out how to eat this then." She smiled and walked away, leaving me dumb founded. Now, I work in a building that has a kitchen, so getting a fork is not a real problem for me, but what about everyone else? Could no one on staff run out to get some plastic utensils? This restaurant was located in a busy shopping district, where there were many other restaurants and stores. And why was it my problem as the customer? Why, in this nice restaurant, is no one taking leadership in fixing such a simple problem, especially a problem that would be a real hindrance to most of their take out customers?

It reminded me of something I learned a few years ago. I was working as a summer missionary for a church start in New York City. Our goal was to reach out to young professionals on the upper west-side of Manhattan. In order to connect with this population, we would set up a table early in the morning in front of the comedy club we held worship services in and hand out breakfast bars to young professionals on their way to the subway. Our goal was to connect with them but also to give visibility to our church. The pastor of the church had ordered a large banner made for this purpose, advertising who we were and our job was to hang the banner on the building behind our table. Our first morning, it did not hang as it was supposed to and we decided to just forego the banner. The pastor came by and questioned why the banner was sitting rolled up. Without it, people had to stop and be willing to talk to us to know why we were there. Let's be honest, there were not many New Yorkers willing to do this and so without an advertisement of who we were, we just looked like crazy people handing out breakfast bars on the street. Our leader asked why we had not tried other methods of hanging the banner, or why we had not visited the hardware store just down the street to find a new method. For heaven's sake, why had we not just at least gotten some duct tape?

The good leaders are the ones who go for the duct tape, or the plastic utensils. They are the ones who recognize what is important and do whatever it takes to follow through. They do not just give up and leave the banner rolled in the corner or smile and say "sorry." If you want to be a great leader, you must know what is most important. There are many smaller details that a good leader knows can be flexible. They are able to keep from sweating the small stuff. An ineffective leader will wear others out making the sure the non-essentials happen just the way they intend or invision them happening. A good leader knows what is important, what contributes to the vision and ultimate success for their organization or event. They will do whatever it takes to make sure the vision is not compromised. They keep the most important, most important and will do what ever it takes for success. While success may be held together with duct tape, it is still success.

Tough Egg to Crack

Last week I was making some breakfast and had a run in with a difficult egg. I was working very hard to crack the egg so that I could make my omelet. After tapping it forcefully a few times, a little chip finally gave away. Unfortunately, the "membrane" around the egg stay in tact. I literally had to take my thumb and shove it in to get the insides out. As I was cleaning up the inevitable mess this made, I found myself saying, "Whew, that was a tough egg to get into." I immediately thought about the old description, "a tough egg to crack."

I'm facing a "tough egg to crack" as a leader right now. The ministry that I serve is experiencing lots of change. This year new students seem totally different than those who were new last year. Much of what our ministry does is not connecting with this new group, or at least not connecting in the same way. For one example, a few years ago our catch phrase was, "A Place to Call Home." We had t-shirts with our ministry building placed in the middle of a city skyline. Students identified that we could offer people a second family and a home away from home. That is not resonating with this group at all. Even in the span of three or four years, these students are now so connected to their own families through cell phones and technology that they are not looking for a new family or a new home. Many of them grew up in event based youth ministry or at least grew up constantly having entertainment available. Coming to our ministry events has to be worth their while. There has to be a reason to give up the cell phones, the games, the unlimited streaming of media. Perhaps the biggest change is the pressure of getting a job. They are fully aware how difficult it is to get a job or get into a grad school program. They have to be so involved in professional groups on campus and volunteering in their fields of study that without really good time management skills, it makes it difficult to be a part of a ministry like ours.

This is the challenge of good leadership. I joked earlier this year that leadership is like being a ninja, but again I think there is much truth in that. You must be able to assess the situation just like the Green Hornet's side kick, looking for the danger spots and your assets. You must be able to have a vision for the future. You must, while being true to who you are as a leader, discover what type of leadership is the most effective for this group of people. What this group needs from me is very different from what's be needed in the past which challenges me to find new ways to lead out of my strengths and muster the courage to lead in new areas that are not as comfortable.

So, for now I'm still trying to figure out how to get into the egg, making as little mess as possible.

I Have a Voice

I just returned from seeing the movie "The King's Speech," a movie I highly recommend seeing. It is the amazing journey of King George VI and his struggle with a speech impediment that resulted from a life of difficulties. There is a powerful scene where the therapist provokes the king's anger. I won't give the whole scene away, but it ends with the poignant moment when King George VI shouts that he should be king, as he states, "because I have a voice." It was a powerful moment where George, affectionately called Bertie, steps into his own. He realizes he has a purpose and a place in life. He has a voice the world needs to hear, no matter how imperfect it may be.

The same is true for all of us though. We were all created with a voice. We were created with a unique world view, experiences and gifts. Sometimes we allow our own life experiences to squelch our voice. We worry of what others will think of us and it silences the passion that flows through our very being. We are worried they will call us too liberal, too conservative, too much of a bleeding heart, too ignorant, too untrained, too demanding, too needy....and the list goes on and on.

The reality is that if we live our lives so concerned about what others say, we will find ourselves paralyzed in fear. LIving a life that is the equivalent of a vocal stammer. You have a voice. What do you want to say?

Planning Ahead

Today I was having lunch with Helen, the office assistant who works with me. (By the way, Biaggi's in Cary has an amazing gluten free menu). We were talking about time management and how everyone of us has to find our own ways to manage time.

Last spring I went a little crazy with my time management. Every weekend I would plan almost every minute of the coming week. I was starting my doctoral work, dealing with health issues that I did not understand, had my full time ministry position and was branching out in new territories of ministry. While it worked for me at the time, it was exhausting. And, as anyone else in ministry knows, there is no way to completely predict what every week will look like.

There was one little trick I began in the spring that I have held onto, which is what I was sharing with Helen. As a woman, I know that part of the image I display to others is done with the clothes I wear and I believe it is important to be intentional about my image. While my image is not who I am, it helps to convey who I am to others.

So, on Sunday evenings I spend a little time planning out my clothes for the week. I'll try on clothes and accessories. I think about what activities I have throughout the week and plan my clothes accordingly. (For women, what you wear conveys a message before you open your mouth but sometimes it is just most important to be comfortable) Then I line them up in my closet, including the appropriate shoes and accessories. In the mornings, I rarely find myself with the conundrum of "having nothing to wear." Of course, I may change my mind but don't do that very often. It has been a huge time saver for me and helps me to feel confident throughout the week.

Think about your schedule. What are the things that are eating up your time? Is there any process you can make more efficient with a little planning?