The Dream Is Dead

I once wrote an article about my attempt at running a few years ago.  I still meet people who say upon meeting me, "aren't you the one who runs."  To which I have to say, "Well, I did.  I mean, I do, kind of."  I've enjoyed running off and on throughout the years.  I have this dream, this hope, that one day something will switch inside of me.  I'll be the amazing runner, able to run 5ks or more and I will lose all of this weight, as some of my friends who have found a love of running.

I've just never actually had that happen to me.  With my recent little tumble down the stairs, I now have very little meniscal cartilage in my right knee and I have to face a new reality.  Running is probably not a good idea moving forward. No more trampoline exercise classes I'd started doing recently.  It's just not smart for the future.  There are a lot of wonderful other things I can do but as a colleague was recently talking about his hopes of running a marathon, I realized I have to let some dreams die.

As I have grown and changed as a person I have had to allow some dreams to die.  I recently wrote about a season of life in which I had "to grieve the person I was never going to be."  I had this vision of what I would become when I grew up and that vision never became reality.  Something much more wonderful came in its place, but I had to allow the other dream to die and give myself space to grieve it's passing in order to move on.

People have to do that sometimes.  Face reality and grieve the loss of what will never be.  Organizations too have to realize when the future is not what they thought or face the fact that the future will never look like the past.  Something more wonderful can spring forth but sometimes we have to let dreams and visions die.  We have to give ourselves space to really grieve but then we can let hope spring forth and allow something new, something different, maybe even something more wonderful than we could have imagined, be birthed.

Slowing Down

"Wow, you did good..."  Words you do not want to hear from your orthopedic doctor as he comes into the examining room after looking at your MRI.  Especially not when he is shaking his head and smiling.  If I am going to do something, I guess I just do it all the way.  Including injuries.  Three weeks ago, I woke up late because I was exhausted and did not set my alarm properly the night before.  As I was walking downstairs, carrying my dog in her crate (as I always used to do), I was thinking about a million things and I fell down the stairs.  I'm not sure how it happened, but I destroyed my meniscus on both sides of my knee beyond repair and cracked my bone.  On Friday, two weeks after the accident, I had surgery.

I feel like I have lost an entire month of my life.  October feels like a blur because for a large part of it, I have been having to take it easy.  I'm writing this from my bed, with my knee propped up, hooked to my ice machine.

I'm learning that it is not so bad to be the slow one in the store, the neighborhood or around the church.  I get the chance to speak to more people and more people speak to me because I don't look like I'm in such a hurry.

I'm learning to let people help.  My parents have had to stay with me for much of the last month to help me.  Everywhere I go, I need help because I just cannot do it all.  I have been pleasantly surprised by humanity, with the rare exception, as I've had people open doors for me or offer extra help and concern.  I need to allow others to take care of me...at least occasionally.

Vulnerability is not easy for leaders.  The truth is that some we lead will never be able to fully connect with us until we allow them to help us.  We must wear our confidence and our competence in a manner that allows our humanity to show.  We cannot be authentic leaders without our humanity.

So...take some time to slow down.  Let someone else go first.  Slow your pace.  Allow someone to care for you.  You never know how much it may mean to both of you.

Giving What They Want

My little dog, Sophie, has been sick off and on for the last six weeks.  Last week when I took her to the vet, they ran some tests to discover that she had pancreatitis.  It is a very painful disorder that required her to stay over night at the "hospital" to get things under control.  Once a dog has pancreatitis, they are likely to get it again, unless you change their diet.  She now has a low fat food that is made to be easier to digest.  No more people food...at all.

As we drive back and forth to the church I work in, often I would share little bits of my food with her.  She's not really interested in too many people things but she did like meat.  Yesterday when I was eating some sausage links and my eggs on the way to work, she perked up in the backseat with the sweetest little face.  It was like she saying, "Ok, I'm ready for my share of your breakfast....any time now...."  I had to say to her sweet little face that she couldn't have any.  It would make her sick.

It's true that often the things we want are not good for us.  I think this is probably very true of my relationship with God.  I'm wanting, pleading sometimes, for things that God just knows is not the best for me or that this is not the right time for.

This is true in leadership as well.  Often as a leader, we get a lot of pressure to give the people we are leading what they want.  A good leader, however, can recognize that what a group really needs may not be what they want most.  A good leader is willing to stand in the anxiety between desire and need, even if it is more difficult.  I have said that sometimes a leader can measure their effectiveness by the increase of passive agressive behavior in the organization.

May we have the wisdom and discernment to recognize what others need and the courage to offer only that....no matter how unpopular that is.

Saying No

I was talking with a coaching client recently and challenged her to think about what she wanted to say yes to in her life.  What were the most important things and people and opportunities?  What were the important pieces of her job?  She'd been experiencing some health problems and had to re-enter her job and her life slowly.  We discussed what was in her life that was taking her time but were not things she was really passionate about.  They were good things but they were extras.

I challenged her to say "no" to some things in her life. And then I found myself saying, "You know, saying "no" is a spiritual discipline."  I don't know where it came from but once the words were out of my mouth, I realized how true they were.

Saying "no" often does not feel good.  We hate to disappoint, we hate to be the ones to say no.  Sometimes it takes faith to say no.  You do not know that another opportunity will come along but you know this one is not the right.  It's easy to feel valued and important if we are always available and saying yes to everyone.  However, if we say yes to everything in our lives, we miss out on what we are really created, gifted and called for.

In coaching we know that to say no to some things means that you are able to say yes to others.

What do you want to say yes to? How can you practice the spiritual discipline of saying no?

Slowing Down

The last few days have been about slowing down for me...but you probably guessed that from my entry title.  It started with my computer.  My mac book pro, which is usually a trooper, started running ridiculously slow.  By Thursday, I would click on a web page or a program I needed to open and had time, while it was loading, to complete other small projects.  I just could not get in a hurry.  But night though, I became aware that something was very wrong.

After speaking with an IT friend, I learned that part of my problem was that I had ridiculously low memory....like crazy, scary low memory.  I had to go through my music library and start purging music.  I spent two and a half hours on this project!

By Friday, I was working to back some important documents...you know, like my sermon for Sunday and my doctoral dissertation.  I spent some quality time with the apple geniuses that evening and after working on it for about three hours, they finally found what was wrong.  I'm not an IT person and so I don't really understand what was wrong, but it's fixed.

But, then yesterday, while driving home from a board meeting in Greensboro.  I got stuck in crazy traffic over and over and just had to sit.  There was no need to get in a hurry.  So, by last night, I was embracing the slow thing.  I took a long hot bath with a good book and a fun drink.  I found an app that actually has helps guide your breathing so you slow down. Kind of like meditating...and at first, I thought, this is ridiculous.  But after five minutes of slowly breathing, I felt amazing!!!!

At a recent conference I attended, we discussed the idea of Sabbath as being a day when you do not rush.  You may get things done, but the crazy pace of life we normally experience, is noticeably missing.  There is a faith that what needs to get done will get done, and so there is a peace to your actions.

So.....slow down.  Take a few deep breaths...literally...go do it now.

Vacation State of Mind

Last week I was on vacation.  This time last Monday, I was on the beach and playing in the waves. It was glorious.  In the first few days, I realized just how exhausted I was and how much I needed rest.  A person really should not be using eye drops to get the red out of her eyes every day to cover up how tired she is.  (especially when her father is an optometrist and has been told all her life that the extra chemicals are bad for you)

Throughout the course of the week, I really separated from work.  I did not touch my dissertation paper.  I just relaxed and read a silly book by one of my fav chic lit authors.  Played with my niece and nephew.  Took naps.  It was lovely.

On Thursday, I had to step back into the real world to handle a situation at church. It was a situation I needed to be aware before Sunday morning rolled around but after about a fifteen minute phone call the situation was handled.

I realized though that if I had been at home, this little matter would have likely occupied my thoughts and actions for an entire day, at least. I'd worry over making sure I handled it just the right way.  Calling everyone that might be involved or affected.  It really was not that big of a deal but it was something that needed to be handled. Just not something to be obsessed about.

My problem is that I take myself too seriously sometimes. I think that if I don't respond just the right way everything will fall apart.  Which is ridiculous.  I am not that important but I put myself under the pressure to make sure I get it just right.

So, I'm trying on a new mindset. The next time I feel myself getting sucked into something, dwelling on a matter, I am going to ask myself, "How would I handle this if I were on vacation?" Would it need the attention of entire days and numerous phone calls or would it be handled simply, hoping for the best.

So, today, join in me in finding ways to listen to the waves right where we are and asking the question, "How can we take on a "vacation state of mind?"

Little By Little

Well, I guess you can always tell when I am overwhelmed with my life. My blogging goes silent. When I'm not sure how to function through each day it is hard to know what to say to anyone. You know, we you feel like you are keeping your head above water, blogging just does not seem to take priority.  Plus, if you were to blog about any of the things that were overwhelming you, it would just mean you would have to face them head on.

The last few months have been a lot of transition, keeping my house clean hoping it will sell, traveling between Smithfield and Raleigh (45 minutes if you're interested) and starting work on my official doctoral proposal and dissertation project. This is part of why I wasn't writing here, because I really needed to be writing on that. But I wasn't...it was just too overwhelming. When life feels overwhelming, it is difficult to begin something else that feels overwhelming. Sometimes it is hard to make the decisions, take the first steps, when we are overwhelmed with the big picture. Especially when the big picture feels larger than life. I'll admit, many of times, fear has frozen me in one spot. When it comes to relationships, job changes, big decisions of life, etc. it is often just easier to stay where we are.

My doctoral work brought on this larger than life fear. My project is to create a program for women in ministry for them to come together, monthly conference calls and individual coaching calls. The purpose is to provide leadership, theological and personal development for these women while creating networks of lasting support. I've been talking the talk about this project for years now as I've worked through the program. I've talked with organizations about having this become part of their offerings in the future, putting it under their umbrella and with their stamp of approval if it is successful.

But here has been the problem...what if it is not successful? What if I've been able to talk the good talk and it just flops? What if I'm not smart enough to write the big paper (really a book) and lead this program? What if no women are willing to be a part of the project? I really do believe God called me to this, gave me the heart and vision and so believe it will be just what it is supposed to be....in my head. My heart, though, has been full of fear.

However, three weeks ago, I started with just an hour a day. Rather than getting overwhelmed with the whole kit and caboodle, I just started taking it an hour at a time. I've written an hour a day for the last two weeks and now I have written thirty three pages written. I've collected a list of names of potential participants to contact....but mostly importantly, I took the first steps.

Any big change or challenge, any time we step out on a limb or take a risk, it's easy to let fear paralyze us. We have to find ways to break the big project down into small steps. What is the next immediate thing that needs to be done? Even when we know this is the right decision or the potential joy that lies ahead is worth the risk, the fear can keep our firmly planted. The truth is though, anything worth having is going to make us a little afraid.

What is your next "little by little?" What big challenge lays before you? How can you break in down into the smaller parts to keep from being overwhelmed? What is it you really want but are too afraid to step forward to make happen?