Miley and Culottes

Below is the text I just sent in an email for work because I wanted another way of sharing this message. Each week I send out an email to 300+ church leaders with a list of articles for resources. (If you're interested in being included in that, you can email me at charity.roberson@vbmb.org)

I feel incredibly anxious about all of the comments appearing on my social media about Miley's performance Sunday night. I've learned a new term, "slut shaming," and it's making me really angry. Miley was not the only one who sang about sex...she was crass and maybe she wasn't as smooth as Justin Timberlake or Bruno Mars...but sex was everywhere.  And we shouldn't be shocked by that.

In my attempt to find sources to help church leaders engage in healthy conversations around this, I came across a page for "modest clothing for women and girls." It was a religious company called "dressing for his glory."  Apparently dressing for his glory includes wearing long skirts passed the knee and fully covering tshirts for swimwear, yep that was their swimwear. They even brought back the culotte that they say is perfect for running, activewear and just day to day activities.

There has to be something in between and it cannot just involve a conversation about women, especially lobbing insults at a young woman who is growing up in front of the world and is probably just interested in progressing her music career.  Honestly, I just want women to stop being so angry at and judging of other women.  I want the church to be willing to talk about sexuality as a good thing. I want the church to realize that we should learn from what happened on Sunday night at the VMAs and be willing to engage in some very hard, complicated conversations.

As I say in the message below....I think everyone should read the first article, especially men. It is long and the language may make some squirm but it is a beautiful insight into a woman's life.

"ELM Weekly

I've struggled with what to include in this week's email. I'm overwhelmed with the comments about the VMA's Sunday night, primarily about Miley Cyrus, that are coming through my social media. Perhaps you aren't aware that on Sunday night Miley Cyrus danced around a stage, wearing next to nothing, doing a very overtly provocative, sexual dance with Robin Thicke, whose lyrics to his latest catchy song talk about blurred lines, knowing that she is a "good girl" but "I know you want it" and "let me liberate you." 

Perhaps you'd like to just shut this out and pretend it does not matter to our church. Or maybe it just matters to the youth minister. But the reality is that it should matter to all of us.  Not just their actions on the stage but because this is a time to engage all of us in real conversations about the issues of sexuality and popular culture. We cannot sit behind our stained glass, criticizing what is happening outside without engaging it and offering up something in response that is healthy and whole.

This week's articles are about the issues around sexuality and modesty. The first article while having nothing to do specifically with the VMAs, I believe every man receiving this needs to read. It is long and it may make you uncomfortable...read it anyway. The second is a great overview from Walt Mueller about what we can learn from Sunday night's performance.  This would be great for passing along to parents and to use as a staff discussion. The rest are great articles that address how we have typically discussed issues of modesty within the church. Let's all see what we can learn from Sunday night's performances....

The Only Thing My Double D's Ever Got Me Was Kicked Out of Church by Becca Rose
Isn't it sad? Isn't it shocking? The main thing that taught me to hate and fear my body was the Church. I struggled with eating disorders and self-harm for most of my teenage years. Isn't it sad? Isn't it shocking?

No. Today, in the church culture I grew up in, it's not. It's normal.

Lessons From the 2013 VMAs. . . Disney On Parade, and Whatever Happened to Fart Man? . . . . by Walt MuellerWe need to love those who don't know the truth, live the truth with mercy and grace in the midst of those who don't know the truth, and tell the truth to those who have no idea what the truth really is. The table has been set and a hungry culture is seated and waiting for the Gospel to be served. It's not about a culture war. It's about engaging with and loving individuals.

Is Modest Really Hottest? Rethinking Why Christians Actually Cover Up. by Matthew Paul Turner
The undertone of our definition of “modesty” is shame. Whether the words are ever said aloud or not, how we Christians talk about modesty makes many women feel insecure or shameful about their bodies.

The New Modesty Makeover by Sharon Hodde Miller
So, how can women honor their bodies to the glory of God? I have a few ideas, but with one preliminary caveat. This topic is huge and complex. There is much, much more to modesty than I could hope to address here. Modesty is tied to an extensive discussion about culture and the body, so consider this only the beginning of a longer conversation—a conversation worth delving deeper into on your own."

Messianic Complex

This morning I watched an interview with Bono by Charlie Rose. They talked about the humanitarian work he is doing in the fight against AIDs and the fight against poverty.  Charlie asked him about his messianic complex, because as he said, "You have to have a bit of a messianic complex in order to do what you do.  You have to believe in yourself. You have to believe it is possible."  Bono joked that any person who finds themselves as the front person of a rock band with the streaming lights and the screaming fans definitely has a messianic complex.

While I do not agree with Charlie's description of what a messianic complex means,  I do think the concept is pretty on target and I appreciate Bono's honesty that finding yourself standing in front of people, as they look to you for something, anything, will give you a messianic complex.

I think it is hard to be in ministry and not struggle with a messianic complex.  In some ways, we are all called to be Christ to those around us.  We struggle with Paul's words to be everything to all people, or at least struggle with how we read it.

Any minister who has had one of the moments where you know you are the "in flesh presence of God" for a family who is grieving a traumatic event, a church who is searching to find meaning in a national tragedy or who has had a part in the beginning of a beautiful marriage knows how reverent and powerful those moments are.

It is hard to move from those powerful moments, from our own version of a stage with lights and screaming fans, back to the day to day operations.  I cannot tell you how many ministers I come across who are worn out from being available any time someone in their church needs them. They are tired from serving in churches with meetings they must be at every night of the week while keeping up with the expectations of visiting the hospitals every day, visiting the shut ins (including the "Sunday shut ins"), preparing meaningful sermons, counseling church members and people in the community, writing the newsletter all while always being in the church office from 9:00 to 5:00 to prove you are earning your salary. And heaven forbid you say that you cannot do it all.  I mean, you've been called to this, haven't you?  And they are the body of Christ. It is hard to tell them no or challenge their way of thinking. Many of us who are called to the church are there because we were loved and nurtured in the church and thus, it is in our nature to want to please them.

Honestly I think it is a great struggle to separate being the hands and feet of Christ to the church you serve and having a messianic complex.  However, I think it is essential boundary building work that church leaders must do. I think it is important for our own personal health, for our families, for future church leaders, but also for our church members. We have to ask, what kind of Christ are we revealing?  Not just in the pulpit or in Bible study but by the way we lead.

How Important Is It?

One of the first things I wanted to do after my recent move to Richmond was to find a gym.  After my little accident in the fall, it was time to get back to making myself stronger and more healthy.  My new gym is wonderful and has all kinds of fancy equipment and classes.  When you join, they set you up with a meeting with a trainer under the guise of getting to know the gym better and helping you to design a plan for your personal fitness.  Of course, this is not the truth.  It is a pitch with a trainer designed to get you to sign up with them for private training.

After taking me through a round of exercises, my wanna-be trainer asked me a round of questions.  What were my fitness goals? How quickly did I want to achieve them? Of course, I said that I wanted to become stronger after my injuries, I wanted to lose weight and I wanted to become all around healthier.  It was not just about a number on a scale but of getting back to a place of eating healthier and exercising regularly.  Because the weight thing was something he could hone in on with a fixed number, he asked how much I wanted to lose.  I gave him the figure that nags in the back of my mind but rarely has ever been a number I've seen when I stepped on a scale.

Then he asked me a question that has stuck with me, "On a scale of one to ten, how important is it for you to achieve your fitness goals?"  Whoa...It is one thing to say "it is important to me" but another thing to rate its importance in my life.  Because if I had to be honest, I'd probably have to say that it gets a lot of lip service but meanwhile my actions do not reflect that it is a "ten" on the importance scale in my life.

Of course, he was trying to pressure me to sign up for personal training.  He said that he would suggest me working out with him twice a week, an hour at a time, at one hundred dollars a time.  Ok..seriously, who just has an extra eight hundred bucks laying around?  I couldn't help but think, "I bet that's what you'd recommend."  I I know he needs to make a living too and so I'm not going to begrudge him or his efforts when he acted like it was crazy for me not to sign up with him right in that moment.

But that question keeps sticking in my mind.  "On a scale of one to ten, how important is this for you?"  I think about it when I want to skip going to the gym, when I want to eat something unhealthy, when I want to procrastinate doing work for school, when I want to spend money frivolously and so on.

I think it's a good leadership question.  What do we say is most important in our lives and in our organizations?  If you had to rate it, what would you give a number 10?  What is most important above everything else?  Do your actions, your calendar, your spending, your commitments show what is most important?

No more excuses.  What is a ten for you?  How do you adjust your life to reflect it?

Ode to Singleness

You know those holiday movies where the disfunctional single person who is working too much or trying to convince themselves they are really happy wakes up surrounded by messy kids and a spouse who is a mess by they realize what they were lacking in their life.  So, when they wake up they have this total turn around, or in the really good ones, they realize it is not a dream at all.  They are not longer single.  They are rescued from their loveless, pointless life.  The single character on TV sitcoms is usually the crazy one who is a mess.  Maybe that is true of those of us who are single, but really, we all have a little crazy in us.  :)

For some reason, I feel bad posting on facebook this is one of those days that I just feel really glad to be single with no kids.  Why is that?  It probably says a lot about me but I think it also says a lot about our culture.

So...just for you who wonder what we single people do on a good day....I got to sleep ten hours last night after a very busy couple of weeks.  I have had two cups of coffee while sitting in my chair, undisturbed. I actually had some yogurt with some gluten free "oreo like cookies" for breakfast while I watch "Valentines Day". (Yup, I get the irony of writing an ode to singleness while watching a romantic comedy)  My to do list for the day is to pick up some groceries at Super Target, walk the dog, paint my fingernails, practice my sermon for tomorrow and plan a funeral service for a beloved church member.  And you know what, I love that this is my life today.

I get to sleep through the night, every night.  I only have to do my own laundry.  When I cook or go out to dinner, I get to go where ever I want to go.  I get to watch what I want to on my TV.  When I make decisions, I am the only one I have to consider.  I'm a pretty tame person, I'm a pastor after all.  There's not a lot of crazy partying or dating around.  I just enjoy my life. I know all of that seems selfish, but why? I do have to make sacrifices in my life for other people and for my job, but this is where I find myself in life and I am going to enjoy it unapologetically.

I don't know what the future holds and yes, I still hope to fall in love and have to do the hard work it takes to keep a relationship going for the rest of our lifetimes.  But when (or if) that happens, I'm not going to look back at this portion of my life and feel like I was missing something, feel like I was just waiting, feel like that I was waiting to wake up from this dream to realize what my life is really missing.  I know what it is missing but I also know what I have.

So, where ever you find yourself today, make the most of it.

The Dream Is Dead

I once wrote an article about my attempt at running a few years ago.  I still meet people who say upon meeting me, "aren't you the one who runs."  To which I have to say, "Well, I did.  I mean, I do, kind of."  I've enjoyed running off and on throughout the years.  I have this dream, this hope, that one day something will switch inside of me.  I'll be the amazing runner, able to run 5ks or more and I will lose all of this weight, as some of my friends who have found a love of running.

I've just never actually had that happen to me.  With my recent little tumble down the stairs, I now have very little meniscal cartilage in my right knee and I have to face a new reality.  Running is probably not a good idea moving forward. No more trampoline exercise classes I'd started doing recently.  It's just not smart for the future.  There are a lot of wonderful other things I can do but as a colleague was recently talking about his hopes of running a marathon, I realized I have to let some dreams die.

As I have grown and changed as a person I have had to allow some dreams to die.  I recently wrote about a season of life in which I had "to grieve the person I was never going to be."  I had this vision of what I would become when I grew up and that vision never became reality.  Something much more wonderful came in its place, but I had to allow the other dream to die and give myself space to grieve it's passing in order to move on.

People have to do that sometimes.  Face reality and grieve the loss of what will never be.  Organizations too have to realize when the future is not what they thought or face the fact that the future will never look like the past.  Something more wonderful can spring forth but sometimes we have to let dreams and visions die.  We have to give ourselves space to really grieve but then we can let hope spring forth and allow something new, something different, maybe even something more wonderful than we could have imagined, be birthed.

Slowing Down

"Wow, you did good..."  Words you do not want to hear from your orthopedic doctor as he comes into the examining room after looking at your MRI.  Especially not when he is shaking his head and smiling.  If I am going to do something, I guess I just do it all the way.  Including injuries.  Three weeks ago, I woke up late because I was exhausted and did not set my alarm properly the night before.  As I was walking downstairs, carrying my dog in her crate (as I always used to do), I was thinking about a million things and I fell down the stairs.  I'm not sure how it happened, but I destroyed my meniscus on both sides of my knee beyond repair and cracked my bone.  On Friday, two weeks after the accident, I had surgery.

I feel like I have lost an entire month of my life.  October feels like a blur because for a large part of it, I have been having to take it easy.  I'm writing this from my bed, with my knee propped up, hooked to my ice machine.

I'm learning that it is not so bad to be the slow one in the store, the neighborhood or around the church.  I get the chance to speak to more people and more people speak to me because I don't look like I'm in such a hurry.

I'm learning to let people help.  My parents have had to stay with me for much of the last month to help me.  Everywhere I go, I need help because I just cannot do it all.  I have been pleasantly surprised by humanity, with the rare exception, as I've had people open doors for me or offer extra help and concern.  I need to allow others to take care of me...at least occasionally.

Vulnerability is not easy for leaders.  The truth is that some we lead will never be able to fully connect with us until we allow them to help us.  We must wear our confidence and our competence in a manner that allows our humanity to show.  We cannot be authentic leaders without our humanity.

So...take some time to slow down.  Let someone else go first.  Slow your pace.  Allow someone to care for you.  You never know how much it may mean to both of you.

Giving What They Want

My little dog, Sophie, has been sick off and on for the last six weeks.  Last week when I took her to the vet, they ran some tests to discover that she had pancreatitis.  It is a very painful disorder that required her to stay over night at the "hospital" to get things under control.  Once a dog has pancreatitis, they are likely to get it again, unless you change their diet.  She now has a low fat food that is made to be easier to digest.  No more people food...at all.

As we drive back and forth to the church I work in, often I would share little bits of my food with her.  She's not really interested in too many people things but she did like meat.  Yesterday when I was eating some sausage links and my eggs on the way to work, she perked up in the backseat with the sweetest little face.  It was like she saying, "Ok, I'm ready for my share of your breakfast....any time now...."  I had to say to her sweet little face that she couldn't have any.  It would make her sick.

It's true that often the things we want are not good for us.  I think this is probably very true of my relationship with God.  I'm wanting, pleading sometimes, for things that God just knows is not the best for me or that this is not the right time for.

This is true in leadership as well.  Often as a leader, we get a lot of pressure to give the people we are leading what they want.  A good leader, however, can recognize that what a group really needs may not be what they want most.  A good leader is willing to stand in the anxiety between desire and need, even if it is more difficult.  I have said that sometimes a leader can measure their effectiveness by the increase of passive agressive behavior in the organization.

May we have the wisdom and discernment to recognize what others need and the courage to offer only that....no matter how unpopular that is.

Saying No

I was talking with a coaching client recently and challenged her to think about what she wanted to say yes to in her life.  What were the most important things and people and opportunities?  What were the important pieces of her job?  She'd been experiencing some health problems and had to re-enter her job and her life slowly.  We discussed what was in her life that was taking her time but were not things she was really passionate about.  They were good things but they were extras.

I challenged her to say "no" to some things in her life. And then I found myself saying, "You know, saying "no" is a spiritual discipline."  I don't know where it came from but once the words were out of my mouth, I realized how true they were.

Saying "no" often does not feel good.  We hate to disappoint, we hate to be the ones to say no.  Sometimes it takes faith to say no.  You do not know that another opportunity will come along but you know this one is not the right.  It's easy to feel valued and important if we are always available and saying yes to everyone.  However, if we say yes to everything in our lives, we miss out on what we are really created, gifted and called for.

In coaching we know that to say no to some things means that you are able to say yes to others.

What do you want to say yes to? How can you practice the spiritual discipline of saying no?

Slowing Down

The last few days have been about slowing down for me...but you probably guessed that from my entry title.  It started with my computer.  My mac book pro, which is usually a trooper, started running ridiculously slow.  By Thursday, I would click on a web page or a program I needed to open and had time, while it was loading, to complete other small projects.  I just could not get in a hurry.  But night though, I became aware that something was very wrong.

After speaking with an IT friend, I learned that part of my problem was that I had ridiculously low memory....like crazy, scary low memory.  I had to go through my music library and start purging music.  I spent two and a half hours on this project!

By Friday, I was working to back some important documents...you know, like my sermon for Sunday and my doctoral dissertation.  I spent some quality time with the apple geniuses that evening and after working on it for about three hours, they finally found what was wrong.  I'm not an IT person and so I don't really understand what was wrong, but it's fixed.

But, then yesterday, while driving home from a board meeting in Greensboro.  I got stuck in crazy traffic over and over and just had to sit.  There was no need to get in a hurry.  So, by last night, I was embracing the slow thing.  I took a long hot bath with a good book and a fun drink.  I found an app that actually has helps guide your breathing so you slow down. Kind of like meditating...and at first, I thought, this is ridiculous.  But after five minutes of slowly breathing, I felt amazing!!!!

At a recent conference I attended, we discussed the idea of Sabbath as being a day when you do not rush.  You may get things done, but the crazy pace of life we normally experience, is noticeably missing.  There is a faith that what needs to get done will get done, and so there is a peace to your actions.

So.....slow down.  Take a few deep breaths...literally...go do it now.

Vacation State of Mind

Last week I was on vacation.  This time last Monday, I was on the beach and playing in the waves. It was glorious.  In the first few days, I realized just how exhausted I was and how much I needed rest.  A person really should not be using eye drops to get the red out of her eyes every day to cover up how tired she is.  (especially when her father is an optometrist and has been told all her life that the extra chemicals are bad for you)

Throughout the course of the week, I really separated from work.  I did not touch my dissertation paper.  I just relaxed and read a silly book by one of my fav chic lit authors.  Played with my niece and nephew.  Took naps.  It was lovely.

On Thursday, I had to step back into the real world to handle a situation at church. It was a situation I needed to be aware before Sunday morning rolled around but after about a fifteen minute phone call the situation was handled.

I realized though that if I had been at home, this little matter would have likely occupied my thoughts and actions for an entire day, at least. I'd worry over making sure I handled it just the right way.  Calling everyone that might be involved or affected.  It really was not that big of a deal but it was something that needed to be handled. Just not something to be obsessed about.

My problem is that I take myself too seriously sometimes. I think that if I don't respond just the right way everything will fall apart.  Which is ridiculous.  I am not that important but I put myself under the pressure to make sure I get it just right.

So, I'm trying on a new mindset. The next time I feel myself getting sucked into something, dwelling on a matter, I am going to ask myself, "How would I handle this if I were on vacation?" Would it need the attention of entire days and numerous phone calls or would it be handled simply, hoping for the best.

So, today, join in me in finding ways to listen to the waves right where we are and asking the question, "How can we take on a "vacation state of mind?"

Little By Little

Well, I guess you can always tell when I am overwhelmed with my life. My blogging goes silent. When I'm not sure how to function through each day it is hard to know what to say to anyone. You know, we you feel like you are keeping your head above water, blogging just does not seem to take priority.  Plus, if you were to blog about any of the things that were overwhelming you, it would just mean you would have to face them head on.

The last few months have been a lot of transition, keeping my house clean hoping it will sell, traveling between Smithfield and Raleigh (45 minutes if you're interested) and starting work on my official doctoral proposal and dissertation project. This is part of why I wasn't writing here, because I really needed to be writing on that. But I wasn't...it was just too overwhelming. When life feels overwhelming, it is difficult to begin something else that feels overwhelming. Sometimes it is hard to make the decisions, take the first steps, when we are overwhelmed with the big picture. Especially when the big picture feels larger than life. I'll admit, many of times, fear has frozen me in one spot. When it comes to relationships, job changes, big decisions of life, etc. it is often just easier to stay where we are.

My doctoral work brought on this larger than life fear. My project is to create a program for women in ministry for them to come together, monthly conference calls and individual coaching calls. The purpose is to provide leadership, theological and personal development for these women while creating networks of lasting support. I've been talking the talk about this project for years now as I've worked through the program. I've talked with organizations about having this become part of their offerings in the future, putting it under their umbrella and with their stamp of approval if it is successful.

But here has been the problem...what if it is not successful? What if I've been able to talk the good talk and it just flops? What if I'm not smart enough to write the big paper (really a book) and lead this program? What if no women are willing to be a part of the project? I really do believe God called me to this, gave me the heart and vision and so believe it will be just what it is supposed to be....in my head. My heart, though, has been full of fear.

However, three weeks ago, I started with just an hour a day. Rather than getting overwhelmed with the whole kit and caboodle, I just started taking it an hour at a time. I've written an hour a day for the last two weeks and now I have written thirty three pages written. I've collected a list of names of potential participants to contact....but mostly importantly, I took the first steps.

Any big change or challenge, any time we step out on a limb or take a risk, it's easy to let fear paralyze us. We have to find ways to break the big project down into small steps. What is the next immediate thing that needs to be done? Even when we know this is the right decision or the potential joy that lies ahead is worth the risk, the fear can keep our firmly planted. The truth is though, anything worth having is going to make us a little afraid.

What is your next "little by little?" What big challenge lays before you? How can you break in down into the smaller parts to keep from being overwhelmed? What is it you really want but are too afraid to step forward to make happen?

New Beginnings

It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here.  It's been a busy few months.  If you don't know me personally, on February 5, I accepted the call to be the pastor of Sharon Baptist Church in Smithfield, NC.  I spent February and March transitioning out of my position in campus ministry, a ministry I'd been a part of in some way for eighteen years and a campus minister for almost nine, and got my first house ready for the market.  I had great aspirations for lent but the truth is, I really wound up trying to survive the lenten season with all of the transitions going on in my life.

I began at Sharon Baptist on April 1.  I knew I was doing the right thing, was certain this was where God was leading, but honestly, I was not sure how I felt about leaving campus ministry.  I wasn't sure if I was ready to be the pastor of a church.  I found myself thinking, "What am I doing?  What if I don't have what it takes?"

But it's been incredible.  I know we are still in the honey moon phase of our relationship (the church and me), but I love being a pastor more than I thought possible.  Here are some of the things I love.

-  I love preaching.  I love "hosting" worship each week, welcoming people into the sanctuary and a time of worship.  I love offering prayers over people.  This is not very eloquent...but it's such a big deal. I get to step in on their behalf and communicate with God directly for all of us.  It is an incredible responsibility.

-  I love the children.  I did not expect for the kids to take to me so quickly.  I love that a three year old crawled in my lap at an event on Sunday afternoon to snuggle with me and have a tickle fight.  I love that one of the four year old girls in the church was so excited I was coming that she was announcing it to everyone, including random people in Walmart, that they were getting a new pastor and her name was Charity.  I love that a seven year old has nicknamed me "PC"...Pastor Charity.  I love that a four year old boy would say a prayer in church because, "If Pastor Charity asked me to do it, then I will."  It such an incredible opportunity not just for me to feel loved on, but an opportunity for them to feel loved by me and then see me offer prayers for them, preach and lead worship.

-  I love how I am using all of my gifts in ways I didn't know they could be used.  Only in the pastorate would one afternoon find you kneeling in the halls of a nursing home holding the hand of a woman who doesn't know who you are (and sometimes who she is), lead a Bible study discussion that night, have lunch with a well known business man in the area the next day (a lunch that is interrupted by a phone call from a gubernatorial candidate) and then go sit on bleachers into the night cheering on the softball team.

I love how God is using every part of me for this role.  I love the people of Sharon Baptist Church already.  I am excited to see what God has in store for our future.

The Body and the Spirit

So, I have a confession to make.  I've fallen off the band wagon.  In one of my earlier posts, I admitted that I was a food addict.  Naming that out loud was hard to do, but made a huge difference for me.

My life has been crazy since about November.  I lost my grandmother, then got a really nasty cold and then came the holidays.  In the middle of all of this, I interviewed and got a new job!  I'm incredibly excited (and overwhelmed) to be the new pastor of Sharon Baptist Church in Smithfield, NC starting April 1st.

The truth is though, I did not handle all of this stress very well and I slowly started turning to food to make myself feel better.  It started harmlessly, as I learned how to make many of my favorite Christmas treats gluten free.  But when the stress started coming, I could not stop the eating.   The more I needed to escape the stress, the more junk I ate, and the worse I felt.

Tomorrow marks the start of the season of lent in the church.  It is the season to make sacrifices.  It is a season of deep reflection to remember what Christ gave up for us.  As a tradition, christians give up something or take on a new discipline to encourage us to focus on Christ and his sacrifice.

These next forty days mark the end of my time in campus ministry.  I've been involved in campus ministry since I was seventeen.  Not only will I take a team to Manhattan for a mission trip, help set up student leadership for next year and try to leave a job well, but I will also be getting my first house ready and putting it on the market to sale and transition into a new position as pastor.  I wasn't even sure women should be pastors ten years ago.  While I am excited about the possibilities that are ahead, this is an overwhelming time.  My normal response would be to continue eating to make myself feel better, sleep as much as I can, and avoid making the time for exercise.  

This season for lent I commit to make intentional choices about the food I eat.  There will be some good eaten in Manhattan...I mean, really....but I will make good choices about what and how much I eat.  I commit to exercise every day.  This is not just an exercise to make myself feel better (a reason many choose to commit to something or give something up for lent) but I commit to honor my body and honor my soul while I do it.  I have downloaded a number of sermons from Itunes U to listen to or will listen to sacred music.  The purpose is not just to be healthier but to combine the body and the spirit...which I believe honors the lenten spirit.  How will you unite body and spirit?

Seriously?

I have a confession to make.  I recently decided to give online match making another try.  I am nothing if not an optimist.  I'm happy with the improvements I've made in myself personally and physically and thought I'd give it another whirl.

One guy came up in my search and I thought he seemed interesting, nice looking, etc.  He seemed normal in his profile so I sent him a brief message.  That may seem forward for a girl if you've never done online dating, but if you just wait for guys to contact you, even in the online world, you won't communicate with many people.

His first message claims me to be adorable and that he keeps looking at my picture thinking, "is she really still single?"  It also says that he is quitting match and asks could I personally email him.  My radar go up that there is probably something fishy about this but since I'm trying to keep an open mind and a lot of these date sites do specials for a free weekend during the holidays to suck us in, I decide to just set up an email account that could not be traced back to me.  His second message claims that my eyes are like the "eyes of doves by the rivers of water" and "their dynamism is what makes them unique." If you know me, you know I have a low tolerance for "bs" and my bs meter was rocking off the charts at this moment.  I do have great eyes but seriously.....

He then tells just enough generic information about himself, including the fact that he and his mother were watching TV and saw a match.com ad and she asked him to sign up.  That was a month ago, and unfortunately he has lost his mother to cancer in that time...in Nigeria.  Because that's where she lived by the way, Nigeria, which he says is very nice except for a recent uprising that killed about sixty people.

In case you're wondering, I will not be communicating with this individual anymore and so glad I trusted my gut!  I feel certain forthcoming emails would continue to praise my "adorableness" but would also follow with pleas for some kind of money.  I'm sure I'd hear that he would pay me back when he was back in my area but he just cannot access his money because he's in Nigeria...and I couldn't strand him in a foreign country, could I?

Seriously?  Does anyone fall for this?  The sad thing is that women must be falling for this.  I know it's probably not just one man, it could be a woman or a whole group of scammers creating a profile and messages such as this.  If it wasn't working, they wouldn't be doing it.  What about our society is so broken that people can get away with this?  Why are women so desperate to hear how lovely they are, they will believe words like this?

When I was in Japan, we did some work in a train station.  While we were practicing English with those moving around, a group of well groomed young men caught my attention.  They had stylish hair and wore nice suits.  I was told they were waiting for young, beautiful women that were coming off the trains.  As I watched, they would surround the women and walk with them.  I was told they were complimenting them but also going beyond that to say sexually inappropriate things to them.  They were assaulting them verbally.  Can you imagine just trying to make it to your next train and being surrounded by a group of men, all trying to break you down by speaking unthinkable things to you.  These men were supposedly recruiting for "restaurants."

In the US, it is not always so blatant, but we have created a world where women's beauty is supreme.  Still in 2012, if a woman is not attached to a man, there is something wrong with her.  It is tough to be single and know that many are wondering what is wrong with you.  In the church, we emphasize the roles of wife and motherhood to a level that if a woman isn't a wife or a mother, she is nothing.  Her salvation is in those roles and so what happens if those roles don't come along?  While we may not preach that abuse is acceptable, women will put up with the unspeakable in order to hold onto what they have.  So many women feel they need some legitimacy in this world.   They need someone telling them their eyes are like the eyes of doves that they will do anything to have it.

There must be a culture shift! We have got to start treating women with more respect and value them for who they are as individuals! Women have got to stop being competitive and, even catty, with one another and step forward to create a world where we support other women.  Men and women have got to start being so hard on women.  We have to create a world where women can succeed.  Women, we have to stop being so hard on ourselves, and love who we are right now, not ten pounds less or at a younger age.  We have to find our value in our gifts, calling and passion.  Women...you are amazing just as you are!  Spend some quality getting to know who you are and what you bring to the world.

What will you do today to create equality?  What will you do today to encourage a woman?  What will you do today to help a woman discover her own individual worth and live up to her God-created potential?  What will you do to create a culture shift?

Lessons from my Dog

While I've been on a journey of sorts over the last few years, 2011 has been a year of big changes for me.  I got some of my ducks in a row and started taking more responsibility for my health and well being.  I also got a dog.  I've never had a pet before.  We never had pets growing up, so this has been a big deal for me.  But on July 20, I adopted Sophie, a six year old yorkie poo rescue.  She has been a "breeder" dog all her life with very little human interaction and, from the way she responds to people, I'm assuming that interaction wasn't very positive.  It's been a tough journey at times, but I've learned a lot from her.  Here are some of them.

- There are good parts to every day. I was the kind of person who would avoid going out of the house at the smallest hint of a rainy day.  I'd stay in bed longer to let the snow melt.  I'd avoid leaving the comforts of air conditioning during most of the summer months. It has taken some serious weather watching on some days but I've learned there are good parts to every day.  In the summer, early in the morning and late in the evening can be quite pleasant. On rainy days, there is usually a little break which makes those moments feel like a special little treasure.  Each day has redeemable qualities.

-  Sometimes a patch of grass can be more than just a patch of grass.  I don't know what she is thinking in her mind, but there is this one patch of grass in our neighborhood that Sophie loves to run through.  It actually looks more like hopping as she lets herself go. I encourage her and run right along side of her wondering what the neighbors are thinking. It may just look like a patch of grass to me, but there is something magical about it to her.  Maybe there are other patches of grass in life that are more magical than they first appear to be.

-  Don't listen to all of the advice you are given.  It must be what parents feel, but when I got Sophie, everyone had an opinion about what I should be doing with her.  The neighbors felt like she should be willing to meet all of their dogs, no matter how huge or spastic they were.  I should force her to interact with other dogs.  I have one neighbor who feels like he is doing a favor if he forces some interaction with him because "that's the only way she'll get over her fear."  The foster mom wanted me to let her do anything she wanted and the rescue place wanted me to let her know who was boss.  Sometimes you have to just quiet the other voices and listen to your gut.

- Anything can be scary if you let it.  Today when we were walking, leaves were blowing around.  This seems to scare Sophie, along with the Christmas tree when we first put it up and a long list of other items that do not seem scary to most of us. The truth is though, we all have things that we think are scary that aren't really.  We've got to learn to walk through the blowing leaves swirling around us and past the twinkling lights of Christmas trees and not let them hold any power over us.
  

-  It takes courage to trust.  Sometimes we forget how hard it is for others to trust us and we treat their trust flippantly, but the truth is, trust is of great value.  We need to remember that some people may have a harder time trusting because they never had anyone they can really trust.

-  Sometimes progress comes as slow as grass growing.  You've got to learn to celebrate the little things.  The little things may be that she no longer runs when you kneel down to pick her up or that she does not always shake when you get in the car.  In adult life, progress and change in life came seem to be nonexistent, but we have to learn to celebrate the little things.

-  What's a little pottying on the floor?  I walk around fearing that she is going to pee or poop on the floor.  And we have had our fair share of that.  However, I often am so afraid of her having an accident on my floor or, worse, someone else's that it limits what we do or what I expect of her.  And, why?  What's a little potty?  It can be cleaned up pretty simple.  The truth is though, I find that I spend a lot of time worrying about things in life that are really not that big of a deal as well.  Let things happen and clean what you need to.

-  A little walk around the block can make all the difference in the world.  I have been amazed at how good it feels to take our fifteen minute walk to start and end the day.  I've always been a "don't talk to me before I've had my coffee kind of person, but now by the time I'm pouring my cup, I've already walked Sophie.  By the end of the day, I usually feel wiped.  The tasks of the day are still swirling around in my head.  However, I go for a little loop in the neighborhood and it all melts away.

Here's to a new year where Sophie and I can continue learning to trust each other and I continue to be challenged by having such a wonderful little creature in my life.

I Love These People

It has been a long week in my family.  My grandmother, Chloe Hardison Roberson, passed away early on Monday morning.  She had lived a long life and while we are sad, I think there is a general sigh that she is finally at peace.  The woman who once knew everything that was going on in town, as the pastor said at her funeral, almost before it happened, no longer knew who we were and most days, where she was.  She was a survivor and a fighter but the fight had gone out of her.  The things I remember about my grandmother are her love for Mello Yellow, candy orange slices, that she always kept icee pops for the kids in her freezer, and the fact that she was a little ornery.  Granny always had an opinion and she was always willing to share it with you.  I learned later in life just how proud she was of me.  Anytime my name would appear in the Biblical Recorder, a NC Baptist newspaper, she made sure everyone saw it.  When I was hired as Baptist Campus Minister for the Raleigh Area, she wanted to make sure everyone knew.  

Listening to the pastor speak, I realized that a lot of the things I like about myself I share in common with Granny.  A friend once put it, "We are going to get around to the truth eventually, why not just get there now."  I've learned I have strong opinions and I pride myself on sharing them.  I want to be transparent and let others know what I'm thinking.  I'm fiercely protective of those I call "my own."  I'd like to think that I've learned to be a little tough myself along the way.

We have a big family....there are seven children still living, sixteen grandchildren, twenty-one great grandchildren and three great-great grandchildren.  They organized us for the funeral by allowing the children and their spouses to process in and sit towards the front, the grandkids were together, etc.  While it started out feeling a little weird not to be with our parents, it wound up making us feel like one unit.  One clan, the Roberson family.  While some have different last names now, we are the Robersons.  And as I sat there, I was overwhelmed thinking, "I love these people.  I really love these people."  

We are not often all in the same room so it was funny how overwhelmingly we all look alike as we gathered as a large group.  We all have a little of Granny's orneriness in us, but we are there for each other.  As a family, we have struggled through difficult times together but no matter what, we have stood by each other in our times of crisis. We've visited hospitals as cousins struggled in a fight for their lives, we've rebuilt homes after hurricanes have knocked them down, we've stood by each other and loved each other unconditionally no matter what we may have done.  We know how to celebrate with each other.  We could rent out my aunts and uncles to make wedding receptions more lively because they know how to cut loose and have fun!  We are funny and we love to laugh and tell stories.  It's even better if the stories are on each other.  

As I sat there in my pew, I remembered jumping on the trampoline at my cousins Wendy and Eric's house.  I remember how cool I thought my Aunt Fay was because she is so crafty!  I simply adore my Aunt Becky.  I remember going exploring in the woods with my cousins Nikki and Will and us scaring ourselves silly.  I remember looking forward to getting Nikki's hand-me-downs because she was way cooler than I ever thought I could be growing up.  I remember all of us cousins walking to the gas station from Granny's on Easter and getting bubble gum eggs.  I remember camping out in my Aunt Cindy's back yard out on Hatteras and the amazing fresh seafood my Uncle Joey always brought to our family get togethers.  I remember all of us playing bingo and our crazy Christmas gift exchange and all of us getting feisty with one another...because it's in our DNA.  

With family, it's easy to just take one another for granted.  But these are special people.  I'm so glad my life is intwined with theirs.  I'm glad to be part of our Roberson clan.

Living in Cages

This is my dog Sophie.  I have had her for two and a half months.  She is six years old but was a breeder dog and so has had no people interaction.  She's lived her entire life in a crate.  We've made a lot of progress but we still have a long way to go before she is behaving like a "normal" dog.  One of her quirks is that she loves her crate more than anything else.  She could have the entire run of the house, but she runs right to her crate in the kitchen when we come into the house.  She has this really soft fluffy bed that I keep nearby the crate.  We use it when we travel or when I make her hang out with me in the living room.  Sometimes she will run to the fluffy bed, but mostly she just runs to the crate.  It is what she knows and so it is where she feels the safest.  It doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is, it is what she knows.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as it relates to people as well.  The truth is that many of us have cages that we always run to.  It may be the pain of a difficult decision, something awful that has happened to us or someone we love, a relationship we are in, or just a piece of our identity that we cannot give up for something healthier.  I do not mean to diminish any difficult experience of life.  Sometimes the blows of life really knock us down and force us into "cage like" experiences.

The problem is that after awhile, the cage begins to serve us.  It may be difficult there, but at least it is something we know.  If we really just committed to the decision, let go of the pain, moved on with our lives, etc. we would have to finally let go of the last piece of something we know.  In a way we often cannot explain, the cage becomes comfortable for us.  Without it, we will have to move on with our lives and so, as much courage as it takes to really face pain, it takes even more courage to move on from it.  It takes tremendous amounts of courage to leave the cage! We know ourselves dealing with the pain, and without the pain and anxiety we would have to move forward.  We have the opportunity to fail if we move forward.  What if we cannot do it?  What if the pain is too much?  What if we can't live with the decision we made?  What if we just aren't good enough at living life and fail miserably outside of our cage?  What if we are truly happy?  What if succeed?  Sometimes the positive is just as scary as the negative.

Where do you need an extra dose of courage?  What's your cage?  What is holding you back from living the rest of your life just as God intended?

Sacred Places

This Saturday morning I am starting my day sitting in a rocking chair at ridgecrest conference center. The morning is cool and I have a great cup of coffee. This is my sacred place.

For those who don't know Ridgecrest, it is a Baptist owned conference center in the mountains of North Carolina. We would come here every year for youth camp when I was a teenager and then came in college every year on this weekend for our annual Baptist Student Union Fall Convention. That is what brings me here this weekend...of course now I am a campus minister and not a student.

There is this long porch that has about thirty rocking chairs that overlook the mountains. As a youth this was one of the cool places to hang out and a lot of memories were made in these rocking chairs.

But this place, ridgecrest, is also where I have made all of my major decisions in life. This is where I hear God speak. I did not set out to make all of these decisions and life commitments here, it just happened that way. And now when I arrive through the gates, I immediately feel God's presence. I just feel at peace.

We all have those sacred places...yours might now seem so sacred to anyone else but you know it is the place where you can feel the most honest and at peace. It is a place where all becomes clear and God breaks in in ways you would not expect. It is a place where you remember what has been and you see the direction for the future.

As we start this new season of fall, why not find some time to spend in your sacred place, or maybe make a new one? You never know what can happen there.

Retail Therapy

Last Friday I needed to go to the mall. I had a gift certificate that was expiring and gap was having a sale I was going to check out.

I love shopping. I love trying on something brand new and the feeling a perfect fit gives you. In my real life, in ministry, I deal with the deep problems of humanity and it can take years to see results of my efforts, if I ever get to see them. There is something immediately gratifying about piecing together a beautiful outfit or finding the right accessory to put an outfit over the top. I've been told I have the ability to perfectly accessorize any outfit. Not exactly something to put on your resume but it sure can make you feel good to know your fashionable....at least as far as ministers in central North Carolina go. Obviously, I am all about "fabulousness." :)

I also love the possibility of a new outfit. This may seem crazy to you, but I like to think about where I will go, who will see me, etc. in this outfit. Being single, I think, will this be the outfit that some guy falls in love with me in?

I have also realized that just like with my compulsive eating, there is a void I am trying to fill when I shop. A little pick me up. We often harmlessly term it as "retail therapy" but as it says in the book "Women, Food and God," what are we really wanting? Why not just go right to the problem. What do I want that little bauble or trinket to do for me? Why do I feel like I need the perfect outfit to get the attention of someone of the opposite sex or to get that job?

So, Friday I was at the mall for legitimate reasons but, because I was feeling a little "blah," I tried to find something else to buy. Something beautiful and fashionable to get lost in for a few minutes. The trouble was I could not find anything. I found plenty of things I could spend money on but there has been this shift inside of me. It is a realization that nothing I buy or eat, etc is going to make me happy. Nothing externally is going to solve problems or make me feel better about myself.

As I got in my car, I was still feeling a little "blah" but I knew it would pass. In the core of who I am, I knew that was enough...and that is pretty "fabulous."

Living Life

I have been negligent in blogging anything over the summer. I was shocked to see my last post was in May! May seems like another lifetime to me. A new school year is beginning and with the cooler weather we've had this week, I feel fall already in the air.

I've been negligent in blogging, and doing some other important things like school work, because I've been living my life! I expected some major changes in my life back in the spring that did not happen. I'd been putting off making decisions, getting control of areas of my life, organizing or redecorating my home until a major life change happened. You know, just being in that middle place where you are waiting for something big to happen to get everything in your life right. I got thinking, why couldn't I make all of those changes a reality without the life altering situation. Why not create my own life altering situation. It probably also helped that I turned thirty-five at the beginning of June. It just left me with this no nonsense approach to everything. Quit making excuses and just live!

So I did that....I lived. It has been an incredible summer! I've organized my house. I got rid of old items I'd had since high school and redecorated my house so it looked like an adult lived here. I even painted one little wall in my house red and have more painting projects planned for the fall!

I got a dog. She is a little mess of a dog, poor thing. She was used by a breeder just to produce puppies so she has no people skills at all. I'm learning a lot from her and am sure you'll hear more in future posts about her.

Perhaps the biggest changes came from reading a book, "Women, Food and God." Now, as a minister, I feel compelled to tell you this is not technically a "Christian" book. The author, Geneen Roth, talks about God in the sense that God is whatever you determine "god" to be. However, the message of this book was very powerful for me! I am a compulsive eater and I can say that now. My eating and weight issues are tied to so many deeper issues that this book made me not only name, but start taking actions to create a different future for myself! It has changed the way I look at myself and the way I look at food.

So..this is just an overview of all of the ways I've been living life and learning. I'll talk more about each of these later because right now I need to go enjoy this lovely evening by walking my dog.

Quit making excuses and just live!